Names...

I met someone for the first time recently, and his name was Stephen. And he didn’t look like a Stephen. So I said to Stephen ‘you don’t really seem like a Stephen’. Stephen was clearly annoyed about my suggestion, which I meant no offense by. And no amount of snooker-related chat managed to ease tensions between us. Anyway, that's by the by, and to be honest I'm not that sure about Stephen anyway, he said he DJ's in Ibiza and in that moment I knew we'd never be friends

The point is, it got me thinking, isn’t it funny how we associate names with certain types of people, personality traits and characteristics? In fact, I would argue, that from a name alone it is quite easy to build an entire picture of what that person may be like.

So I thought it might be an interesting and worthwhile exercise for me to gradually go through all the names I can think of, and write down what immediately comes to mind in association with each name.

This is merely my interpretation of a series of names, so please do not be offended if your own name comes up and you believe that the characteristics I raise do not match your own. It’s just a bit of fun that might be an interesting look into the human psyche. Enjoy comrades…

Names:

Lucy – Caring, talkative, bubbly, although there is a thin line between bubbly and overly-familiar, a line which Lucy will often cross

Graham – Family man. Man’s man (As in masculine, not homosexual). Good with his hands. If the car breaks down he’ll fix it himself. Not afraid to discipline his children
Sebastian – Thoughtful and contemplative. Rarely loses his temper. Spends slightly too much time indoors

Harriet – Polite, well-mannered and well-educated. Confident if slightly arrogant. Dismissive towards the working-classes

Wayne – Salt of the earth. A friend to all. A man who knows how to enjoy himself. Occasionally prone to domestic violence 

John – Reliable, hard-working, efficient. Well-trusted by all who know him. Some people consider him dull but those who know him well know that not to be the case

Dave – Very funny and great company of an evening, but not someone you want to have a long term friendship with because he will inevitably let you down

Carol – Warm, generous, selfless. Woman of the church. Volunteers within the local community. A penchant for cakes that has contributed to her problems with high-blood pressure, which in truth has only endeared her even more within the village. A real gem

Paul – Quiet but dependable. Man of simple pleasures

Tina – The life and soul. Humour can be a little close to the bone, but is never ill-intentioned. Clothes tend to be revealing and risqué, which some say is admirable, but others say is inappropriate for a woman of her age

Colin – Friendly, easy-going, a good guy to have around. Talks a lot about how much he likes his job

Mandy – Working mum. Strong, independent woman. Has made mistakes with men in the past but doesn’t dwell on them. Potentially aggressive, but rarely without justification

Tyler – American. Very confident, brash even. Lack of awareness of or respect towards the role the United Kingdom has played in making America the nation it now is. Also greedy, with a terrible diet

Vince – Cheeky but harmless. Tells terrific anecdotes. Always late for appointments but manages to charm his way out of trouble. Has serious financial problems

Darren – Shy, and overcompensates for this by drinking too much and embarrassing himself as a result. Plays football at a semi-professional level

Jim – An outdoorsy man. Self-sufficient. Deeply sceptical about computers

Ron – Very popular and well-known in the county. A man who can get things done. Great orator and motivator. Has been outspoken in the past about his views on immigration

Brenda – Motherly. Tender. A great listener and always there for friends and family. Paranoid about her neighbours and as a result rarely leaves the house

Keith – A handyman, and will do anything for anyone, which has led to some taking advantage of his good nature. Following a mid-life crisis and subsequent nervous breakdown, wears an earring and a leather jacket, and often uses nicknames for himself like ‘Big K’ or ‘The wolfman’. His wife has left him but he still sees his children

Brad – Australian. Surfer. When he talks, his sentences lack cohesion or structure which can be frustrating. Very popular with women.

Lionel – Well-liked but known as a buffoon. Has become infamous for making a fool out of himself. Publicly laughs off this perception but privately resents it.

More to follow... and a note to all... I am compering an evening of comedy and music on June 11th in London at The Dalston Vic. This is in aid of Kent Police Museum; needless to say, a thoroughly worthy cause:

http://www.thedalstonvic.co.uk/kentpolice.htm

Best

Malc

           

An easy red - Malcolm Head’s Top 10 World Snooker Championship 2011 talking points part 1 of 2…

1 - Judd Trump

‘Fella with a haircut like that has no place at the snooker table’ said a colleague of mine at the police museum. And at first I had to agree. I was concerned. Trump appeared to represent the future – and an uncertain future at that. ‘They reckon he’s into indie music. There’s no place for indie at the snooker table’ said the same colleague. By this point Graham was starting to irritate me, but regardless of that, I can’t deny that I was worried. Who was this upstart? Was snooker in safe hands?

Well… I’m pleased to say that I think it is. Trump, as with the Ronnie O’Sullivan’s of this world, needs a little bit of work on his attitude. You can’t be Peter Ebdon overnight, and it doesn’t matter if you’re bloody Brian May, you still need to be humble; in life, humility goes a long, long way. However, Trump played some undeniably entertaining snooker, and will bring a much-needed younger audience to our great game. And he was very gracious in his defeat, in one of the best finals of recent years. Graham still isn’t convinced though; ‘He’s too skinny to be a snooker player. I’ve seen more meat on a butcher’s overcoat’. Some people just don’t like change…

 Judd Trump. Straighten that bow-tie sunshine!

2 – Steve Davis

I have it from the most trustworthy of sources that ‘Romford Slim’, Steve Davis, surely one of Britain’s most celebrated sports personalities, is in the initial stages of dementia. The person who informed me said that, at present, it is not serious, and that Davis is privately seeking out the most advanced treatment available that we all hope will help to keep this condition at arms length. The BBC is apparently aware, although they’re confident that his condition will not worsen. However, as my source pointed out, there were a couple of worrying occurrences during the tournament. Davis made constant reference to the idea of comparing snooker players to breeds of dog, which despite being an excellent idea and one which I’ll visit later, perhaps in this very blog, is not characteristic of Davis. And he consistently raised this idea in conversation, to the extent that it did seem as though he was forgetting that he’d ever mentioned it before. It is also rumoured that during the BBC’s coverage of the final, Davis, off-camera, put John Parrott in a headlock that although apparently ‘playful’ at first, became dangerous when Davis’ arms had to be pried away from Parrott’s neck. Parrott was apparently ‘distraught’, and needles to say, deserves great credit for managing to recompose himself for the remaining coverage. I’m confident Davis can get through this, and my thoughts are with him…

3 – Risqué female referee

Just a quick note here about the female referee Michaela Tabb. I’ve been extremely vocal in my support and admiration for how she has fought for the rights of women to be snooker and pool referees. The fact that there are still relatively few female snooker and pool referees in no way diminishes the monumental efforts she’s made. However… on several occasions during this tournament Ms Tabb blew kisses at television cameras provocatively. With all due respect, in the words of my colleague Graham ‘that has no place at a snooker table’. She’s a great referee, but that sort of nonsense has to stop. Snooker is a safe-haven from the outside world; a world full of sexual promiscuity and deviance thrown at us from all angles. Let’s keep it a safe-haven please…

4 – The Asian Invasion!

Wattana, Fu, Ding… it’s fair to say that a new dawn is rising in snooker, and that the sun of that dawn is rising from the Far-East. This year, the Chinaman Ding reached the semi-final, and judging by the way he carried himself it won’t be his last. He has an unnerving calmness about him that is helping him to claim some mighty scalps in closely-fought matches, and I don’t think it will be long before China has its first world snooker champion. And what’s good for Chinese snooker is good for snooker. I would however hope that the Chinese government exercises caution in developing the game in China. With the utmost respect, China is known for pursuing goals slightly too eagerly. Snooker players are like fine wines. They get better with age, and you must let them breathe

5 – The Theme Tune Intro

Maybe, just maybe, BBC bosses, not everything has to be changed to appeal to teenagers. For crying out loud… imagine, you’re sitting on without a doubt the greatest sporting TV theme tune of all time, and some moronic buffoon decides to give it a modern twist. And I don’t know what it is anymore. Before it was a beautiful piece of classic guitar rock, and now it’s just a bastardised pile of dance-music nonsense. Unforgivable. I’m considering starting a petition to change it back to the original version as performed by the Doug Wood Band. If anyone is willing to support me in this, please do get in touch. Unforgivable. I’ll refuse to pay my license fee if necessary (if anyone from TV licensing is reading this, I have recently paid my TV license, which covers me until April 2012 so no need to raise the proverbial alarm… this is just hyperbole)

Part 2 to follow soon, including the controversial John Higgins, the issue of crowd volume, and a section where I’ll look at what breed of dog certain snooker players remind me of and why…

M