America - I'm just not sure about it...

People often say to me ‘Malcolm, why have you never been to America?’, and it’s a good question. Why? The land of opportunity. Home of the brave. Land of the free. The Big Apple. What’s not to like?

It’s not that I don’t like America; far from it. As many of you will know my favourite actor is Tom Hanks and my favourite film is Apollo 13. Both from the US of A.

I also love Beethoven (the family film, not the composer. That’s not to say I dislike the composer, I’m just not necessarily a fan as such), Mississippi Mud Pie, Native American History, processed cheese… the list goes on. So why have I never been there? Do I have a problem with America?

I decided to deal with this conundrum in much the same way I deal with other conundrums in my life. I decided to write a poem about it, and then perform it in a working-men’s club in staplehurst. Please note: As explained, I have not been to America, so have based this poem upon films, television and American tourists at the museum, the majority of whom are extremely pleasant (with the notable exception of regular visitor Tag Sherman, who's appetite for rudeness is matched only by his appetite for fatty foods. I'm sorry Tag but I've been wanting to say that for a while. It's not on. We provide our service for free. We're understaffed, and we do our damndest to trace every one of your ancestors in the Kent police force but sometimes we just don't have the time. Your aggressiveness is uncalled for and what you said about Derek's teeth is unforgivable)

Is it America, or is it just me? (By Malcolm Head)

Is it America, or is it just me? I wondered as I wandered, through the streets of New York,

A man with a leathery face shouts something about coffee, while an overweight teenager screams at his mother to buy him a Charlie Sheen mask,

A burly woman tries to take a picture of the Statue of Liberty, but a Korean man leaps in front, to capture a pose for his own photo,

An aspiring actress smiles coyly at a man with long sideburns, as a large rat crawls on to the lap of a sleeping tramp, and steals some salami from his sandwich,

A pair of elderly women sit on a bench cross-stitching pictures of Mickey Mouse, and become disillusioned when they run out of thread

And is it America, or is it just me? I wondered as I wandered, through the streets of Philadelphia (which is of course a featured song in the brilliant Tom Hanks film Philadelphia, which really did for AIDS what Saving Private Ryan did for World War Two and Forrest Gump did for people with learning difficulties),

A teenager cycles along on a tiny bicycle, wearing his baseball cap back-to-front despite the obvious benefits of wearing it correctly on a sunny day such as this,

A man in a basketball vest who calls himself T-Bone tries to stop his dog from defecating on a busy crossing, which in my opinion is a fine example of precisely why it’s irresponsible to have a dog in a city,

A businessman in an unnecessarily large car parks beside a robin, who has landed to investigate an abandoned syringe,

As another man shouts something about coffee,

And is it America, or is it just me? I wondered as I wandered, through the streets of Dallas,

A smiling man wearing shorts and knee-high socks buys a variety of fruit and vegetables, some milk, and 4 boxes of bullets from his local grocery shop,

An alcoholic in a Bon Jovi T-shirt bites into a burger, and immediately throws it onto the ground and stamps on it, shouting ‘I asked for Ketchup’,

A woman wearing pink jogging bottoms with superstar written on them trips over a sack of uneaten tacos, as a character on a sitcom being filmed nearby suggests that he’s going to murder his wife because she wants him to help around the house more,

A student collects money for a shark charity, and gets told by a man carrying a bag of books covered in petrol that he’s wasting his time,

And is it America, or is it just me? I wondered as I wandered, through the streets of Los Angeles,

A ginger-haired man from Watford auditions for a part in a film about a children's baseball team, and he is unsuccessful,

A woman in an unflattering top waits outside the home of Julia Roberts,

A Mexican plumber listens to a Michael Buble CD he got for Christmas, finding it pleasant if a little uninspiring,

Whilst a bearded man tries to impress a pregnant woman by telling her he's Irish...

Is it America, or is it me?

So - is it America, or is it just me? I still don't know. I'll have to write some more verses. After all, it is a very big country. I've barely scratched the surface. So watch this space, and please, don't take any of this out of context. This is purely a discussion. I once performed a poem about Scotland in Sidcup, and was called a racist afterwards by a man who worked for British Gas. All because he took my comments out of context. Yes, I did say that some of Scotland's charm is marred by it's high concentration of drug-addled dole-seekers, but that came immediately after a line about how beautiful The Hebrides are.

I'm just a man from Horsmonden, Kent, trying to understand this crazy planet we call home...

All the best

M